i need to see my psychiatrist or psychologist soon. i can’t wait til feb 7. i’m not kidding but i can’t cause everyone will get worried again especially my parents and i can’t go where i’m supposed to. but i don’t feel well - physically and mentally - but i can’t tell. i just can’t.

pray, jam. pray or god will forsake you, forgive me lord please. i’m sorry for swearing too much. i need to read books, read as much as i can. there is no time. READ. read before time runs out. it’s quiet, really quiet. i’m scared. where is everyone? where did they go? mommy? hide. hide under the covers. close your eyes. FAST. before you have time to get sad.

why are you eating. you should not eat. fat ass. you are not allowed to eat, not until you’re the perfect weight. forget about food, fatso. you are not hungry. FAT. stop it. be perfect.

it’s too much. i’m nervous. i’m really scared, but i don’t know what I’m scared of. you know the feeling of being terrified of that monster under your bed when you were a child? i still get the same feeling when i’m sad.

i’m really scared. 

it’s okay jam. its okay. you’re not gonna eat, everything is gonna be okay. if you don’t eat, it will be okay. its okay, jam. calm down. you’re going to see your doctors soon. but 2 weeks from now is a long time. i can’t. help me. please help me.